You know, trauma is a funny thing. In the world of therapy, we have the terms of “little t” traumas and “big T” traumas to help us work with clients to distinguish if we are working with something that most people would consider traumatic — the death of a parent, some kind abuse, etc. (the “big T”) — or something that the is personally traumatic to the individual — parental divorce, toxic relationships, etc. (the “little t”).
The reality is though that no matter if we call it “big” or “small,” trauma is something that threatens or sense of safety and belonging — or sense of self within the world. And it’s that threat that has a lasting impact on us.
But what do we do about the beliefs that we develop about ourselves and the world in the aftermath?
I can’t speak for anyone else, but for me, the beliefs that I have developed about myself and the world after hard life events have been some of the most difficult, and even surprising, things I have had to wrestle through…even years later.
When I was younger, I used to almost wear the things I had been through as a badge of honor. What started a lifeline of people calling me strong became a wall around my heart that I had to be known as strong, almost no matter the cost. As much as I wanted healing and growth for myself, I think that somewhere along the way, I allowed for some unhealthy beliefs about myself to develop.
For example, I knew often God would ask me to write and share parts of my story on this blog. There are countless drafts started here that I was never able to finish. But sharing how God was working in my story became hard when it was once so easy, because somehow the bits of unhealed parts became walls I needed to keep up as reminders to protect myself from hard things happening again.
These are all things I have known and been working through in various ways, but this morning it hit me a little differently. In my house, I have kept a hairbrush with me through many years and many moves, even after getting a new one that does the job better. And while to some, it is only an old hairbrush, for me it has served as a reminder of some really hard memories in some hard seasons (funny how our brains work like that).
While I would have told you I didn’t know why I kept it, a part of me felt like I needed that reminder of the hard so that I could protect myself from not walking into that kind of season again, or maybe even so that I would never quite let go of the shame that season carried.
But this morning, something in me released, and I found myself picking up that hairbrush and tossing it in the trashcan. Without thought, I said, “Bye-bye trauma” and something just released. Because let’s be honest, the reality is that the hairbrush itself holds no weight and no trauma. It is only an object. Yet I have placed weight onto that object and allowed for myself to believe negative things about me every day that I look at it, to serve as a reminder to myself of who I was, not who God sees me as and redeemed me to be.
Let me be clear, I am not on here saying that all bad things that have happened to us needs just some new thinking and Jesus and we should be good to go. As a therapist, I fully believe that sometimes we need to walk through some deep work to find the other side of healing.
But sometimes we have done the deep work and don’t let ourselves fully heal. I’ve done the deep work and sat with the therapists. And never would have told a therapist I was holding onto a hairbrush so that I would not forget my shame. Because I couldn’t admit that without Jesus working in my heart bit-by-bit.
Yesterday, I was talking to my mom about how grateful I was for the ways I have seen God working in my story. I told her that ten, even five, years ago, if someone had told me God would use my story in the ways I have seen just over the last six months, I would have told them it wasn’t worth it to me…if I even believed them. But now, I see God working out His good in my life in ways I could never have defined then. Seeing God’s good started with my healing, my redemption, my willingness to trust that He is better than my pain.
And from there, it is a step-by-step process of asking God to reveal to me what else He has for me. It is a step-by-step asking of what God wants to show me. Because if I am leaning into that which God wants to teach me, I fully trust He is going to reveal to me the deeper layers of my heart as I am ready. Because God’s heart for us is not to stay in a place of shame or punishment. God’s heart hurts for us as a Father when we walk through hard things, and His desire is to bring us healing, not remind us of our failures.
And so that is my encouragement for you today. Maybe it is something where you feel you failed. Maybe it is a negative belief about yourself that has stayed after a “big T” or “little t” trauma even though you have done work towards healing. But is there something you can say goodbye to? Something that is not what God would have for you? And instead, say hello to God’s freedom and redemption over your life.
Deep Diving 