What’s it Take to Forgive

The other day I was joking with a friend about being the speaker at an event for church, well mostly joking. Honestly, I was serious enough that I started to think through what I would talk about if given the opportunity. And the Lord prodded my heart to think about what He has been teaching me regarding forgiveness lately.

Forgiveness is one of those topics that has always been harder for me to wrestle with. But as I started thinking through this hypothetical talk, I started really thinking about the journey of forgiveness the Lord has walked me through. And what I found was that more often than not, my lack of forgiveness either stemmed from my own identity issues or a lack of trust.

When my dad passed away, I was already walking through an incredibly difficult season of life. I was in the process of healing from some painful relationships, finding myself again, and figuring out who God was to me. Then my dad died and a lot of that healing got pushed to the side in the midst of my grief. However, as time moved on, my heart still needed to heal from the pain that occurred before losing my dad, in addition to the pain of his loss, except I had pushed so much of it down that I didn’t realize all that still needed healing within me.

When another one of my relationships felt like it was ripped away from me, all of the pain resurfaced. The pain from losing my dad and the pain from when I was 16 crashed together with this new pain into what I can only describe as a complete and total mess. I began to allow the enemy to speak lie after lie over me until my emotions became my identity. I was no longer someone who felt angry or bitter. Statements like ‘I am a bitter person’ and ‘I am an angry person’ continued to come out of my mouth. I allowed myself to believe that I had a right to feel all of those things and be all of those things and if anyone wanted to question my attitude, I would give them my laundry list of life’s offenses to me.

Except, none of that was true. To begin with, I am not those things. Those statements don’t make up who I am. None of those statements reflect who the Lord has created to me to be. None of those statements reflect my identity in Him. I am a child of God. I am loved. I am made new.

The second thing is this: I did not, in fact, have a right to be that way. It was okay that my heart hurt. It was okay that I still had to deal with my trauma. And it was okay that I was angry and disappointed and all of those things. But the Bible tells us very clearly ‘in your anger do not sin.’ How? By not letting those emotions control us. It’s why self-control is a fruit of the Spirit. When those emotions begin to control who we are and how we see the world, then we are entering into dangerous sin territory.

Throughout that entire season, the last thing I was going to do was forgive anyone. Because I believed I was an angry person and a bitter person, which allowed me to believe I had to right to act it, I thought that I could not forgive those who had hurt me. If I was an angry person then I had an out to stay mad and not forgive you. (Fun fact y’all, it does not work that way. You actually just end up looking dumb because you’re only hurting yourself.)

All of those things I was telling myself in that season were lies from the enemy stemming from pain. But, God is so good and He is bigger than all of that. Through some good ole heart work, the Lord reminded me of who He created me to be. Those lies were personal and built off painful words that had already been spoken over my life but God is an incredible Father. He spoke truths that were even sweeter. I am a fighter. I am a champion for others. I am strong.

And suddenly, forgiving those who had hurt me did not seem like such a big task anymore. I’m not going to say it was easy, but because I was once again rooted in the truth of who God says I am, I did not need to hold onto the wrongdoings of others to prove anything. I could forgive and walk free because I knew well who I was.

Which leads me to my next point: forgiveness also has to do with trust.

This one is a hard one for me. One of the reasons I often don’t forgive others for what they have done to me is that I do not trust God to take care of it the way I would. I know full well that God is a God of justice, but let’s be real, He is not exactly a God on my time frame, in addition to the fact that He is full of grace to people I don’t want Him to necessarily give grace to. So, if I choose to hold onto what someone has done to me and treat them accordingly, then somehow, I am in control and they will get what they deserve.

First of all, lol. I mean when it’s said like that you can’t help but see that it’s a crazy way of thinking. But, you know what, I bet you have felt a similar way when you have been wronged. But the thing is, at least for me, holding on so that I can be in control of the other person’s sentencing HAS NEVER WORKED. And trying to control God? Yeah, forget about it.

Ultimately, forgiving another person means that we are trusting the Lord to take care of their heart and releasing our need to hold them accountable. But if I don’t trust that God is going to follow through and actually take care of their heart, then how can I truly let go of my need to be righted?

Because isn’t that often our issue? We feel that we have to somehow be righted, to have some kind of restitution or apology. But the reality is that, we live in a world of broken people and the apology may never come. Or if it does, it may look nothing like what you held onto for so long. We often know that letting go and trusting the Lord means that we are giving up our (imagined) chance of setting the record straight or getting the apology we believe we deserve so we fight it.

And then, the hardest one to forgive. What happens when we feel like it’s God who has wronged us?. Y’all. Forgiving some of the people in my past has been nothing compared to wrestling with the Lord over the pain of losing my dad and the disappointments I have since faced. I know God did not make my dad die, but I also know He sure did not seem to step in. Even more, God told me to go to follow Him to another state that week knowing full well what was going to happen and all of the hours I was going to have to spend alone in the initial aftermath. What kind of God takes you somewhere to walk through something like that alone?

How do you forgive God for allowing tragedy to happen when He is supposed to be good? To be faithful? Honestly, I wish I had a profound answer. I wish I fully understood. It’s been a 4 year journey of trusting God that is still ongoing.

But what I do know is that forgiveness once again boils down to trust and identity. Do I trust who God says that HE is? Will I allow my pain to control me or will I do the hard thing choose to trust the Lord? The Bible is full of stories about the character of God, but those words of His goodness, faithfulness, and love mean nothing if I do not choose to trust Him.

The choice is to believe that He is bigger and greater than the pain that was caused, whether by Him or by someone else. You get to choose to believe that He is still sovereign and in control. I may not understand what happened or why, but the choice is pretty clear: Do I believe that God will take care of it?

Because the thing is, when you make the choice, oh my gosh, it is so much better. Living into the identity God has given you is an entire freedom that you never want to lose. And making the decision to trust that God is in control? Y’all, there is no greater gift. It is a trust that frees us from the need for answers to why someone hurt us or why life has disappointed us. It is a trust that allows for us to continue to walk in freedom because we are no longer trying to control that which was never ours to begin with.

It is a freedom that allows you to look someone in the eyes and say ‘I forgive you’ without a doubt in your mind, regardless of the pain they have caused, because you know that Jesus holds their heart and yours.

It is a freedom that is worth every difficult step to find it.

I don’t know what you’re wrestling with today. I’m not sure who is on your list to forgive. Maybe you struggle with forgiving others, and sometimes God, even if it looks a little but different than my story. Regardless, I encourage you to take time with the Lord and ask Him who He says that you are. Maybe the enemy has been trying to speak lies over you that the Lord needs rid you of so you can walk in His purpose. And if you’re bold, ask the Lord to show you how much you trust Him. He may reveal some things you didn’t know about yourself.

The road to forgiveness is not easy. It is not often a decision we make overnight. Standing firm in our identity and trusting God are not quick parts of the journey. But I encourage you to do the hard work – the heart work. Ask those hard questions and see where the Lord takes you. The road may not be easy, but it is certainly worth every step.

Maggie Tyler